As the indomitable Martha Stewart once declaimed, “There are no problems, just opportunities for excellence!” Now I have of late been in somewhat penurious circumstances, and must admit that I did, in fact, consider that a large problem indeed. Then it finally occurred to me that now would be the perfect time to shed that pesky poundage round my midriff, face up to my somewhat unfeasible alcohol intake, and accept the fact that carrying a jar of peanut butter, a mug of milk and a spoon to bed every night did not constitute actual regular exercise.

So I started thinking about how I could eat (fairly) healthily on a very basic amount of money, avoid food urges, and also get that toned tummy so necessary in these days of low-cut jeans and fitted blousons. I feel it only fair to note at this point that what I came up with was perhaps more of an “opportunity for flatulence,” but since I live alone it has been a side effect I can live with.

So here goes — my plan for eating within my means and getting a sexier body whilst doing it.

1) Never Underestimate Soup: Apparently (or so I saw on TV) we digest soup more slowly then we do solid foods, and so feel fuller for far longer. I found this works very well. And what really is hard about making soup? Ya throw some veg and some very cheap bits of chicken (like wings) in a saucepan with water and the seasoning of your choice and let it cook for freakin’ ever before you fish out the bones (if necessary) and blend if ya like it smooth or don’t if ya like it chunky. Worked for peasants across the globe for the last millennia, so why not you? Granted, it can become a tad depressing (if not ultra-colonic), but you really only need to know two major points:

1. You can change the flavor of any soup easily with curry powder or Worcestershire sauce, and
2. Don’t leave the house without a comprehensive awareness of all local public loos.

2) Buy Yourself A Really Cheap Bottle Of Red Wine If You’re That Desperate For a Drink: As you try to force down the second glass (if not just mouthful) you’ll realize what the term “pickled” actually means. If the roaring gas pains of downing a bottle of what would usually dress a salad don’t learn ya, then the next 12 hours spent in Tannin Shock certainly will. As an added bonus, the stomach cramping you will experience probably equals about 200 sit-ups, so you’re already on your way to a more toned tum.

3) In This Day And Age There Is No Such Thing As Stale Bread: If like me you live alone, then a half-loaf of cheap white bread can last for absolute ages. Is it health food? No. Are all those baked-in preservatives more than a little creepy? You bet. But this is a cost-saving exercise and it works in three miraculous ways:

1. Leave the bread loosely wrapped, and unless you shower with it-and once toasted it does make for an excellent loofah- it will last over a week before any signs of mould appear
2. Due to its wondrous sponge-like properties, just one slice will tide you over for hours if you feel the need for that between-fasting snack, and 3) You will also save on electricity at night as once you’ve had a slice, the phosphorescent glow from your tummy will provide enough light for you to read by.

4) Forego Pasta: This may seem tough, as pasta is a “cheap food” staple. But rice is better for you- and let’s face it, ya do need to ameliorate the white bread at least a tad. Rice is never as hard to cook as people think. It’s terribly easy. One part rice to two parts water (or stock), bring to boil, cover, and leave for ten minutes then turn off the heat. You can even throw it into soups you’re re-heating (though obviously not the blended kind). And anyway pasta is more demanding of some kind of sauce, which also drives up the cost. Besides being easier on your blood-glucose levels, a packet of rice will probably last you at least five times longer than a packet of pasta.

5) When Watching TV, Avoid Aspirational Cookery Shows: This will only depress you, and make whatever it is you’re actually trying to force down that bit more unappealing. Instead, watch the wondrous BBC series “The Supersizers eat The…” wherein restaurant critic Giles Coren and comedian Sue Perkins revisit the social habits and culinary ways of various times gone by. In the current series they covered the 1980′s, the 1950′s, the 1920′s, the French Revolution, Medieval Britain, and Ancient Rome. The point of watching a TV show like this is that not only is much of the food on offer seriously appalling, but that this pair are also so darned funny that you will laugh unto at least another 200 sit-ups per episode

6) Avoid Public Transport And Walk Everywhere You Can: This is important because a) it saves you money in fares, and b) after all that soup you really don’t want to be on a train halted between stations for an indefinite period. Both your BMI and fellow travelers will thank you for this. Plus, just think of those calories you’ve walked off, and how much firmer your tum and bum now are! You may even have earned a slice of white bread!

7) Accept All Invitations To Cocktail Parties: Cocktail parties equal finger food, which also equals eating while standing up, and even perhaps the opportunity to snaffle some of the crudités for your next batch of soup. Also, your newly-lowered tolerance for alcohol will result in a humdinger of a hangover the next day, which in turn equals dry-retching (at least another 200 sit-ups per session in front of the bog), and an aversion to any more alcohol until the next cocktail party. It’s a downward spiral indeed, but really only in the calorific sense. One note: If you have managed to snaffle some crudités, try not to throw up into your handbag afterwards. Some flavors even curry powder and Worcestershire Sauce cannot mask.

So there you have it — my 7 Point Credit Crunch Diet And Exercise Plan. I’ve been on it for over a month now, and am more willowy than I have been in years. My teeth are whiter (much less red wine), my stomach is firmer (you could bounce a rock-cake off my abs if I didn’t grab you by the throat and eat it first), and my digestive transit is now so clean I hear an odd whistling noise at night.

And any leftover white bread? Makes an excellent draft excluder for those chillier evenings.